Adventures in Childbirth...or not

Monday night I decided that Patrick and I should go to a movie. The past few times we've done this I've started having contractions that have lasted for hours at a time. So we packed up the car and took off to see the late showing of Narnia at the new Denton Movie Tavern (see movies, and eat at the same time what a concept!). All was going well when, sure enough, I felt my first contractions. I had at least three contractions during the movie but, to my dismay they stopped. However I was encouraged by the fact that I woke up three times that night with my back hurting knowing that could be a sign of labor. Throughout Tuesday morning and afternoon my back continued to ache with varying intensity. This along with some not so story-worthy developments in the bathroom led me to believe that yes, I just might possibly be in labor. That night around ten I began to have contractions. Nothing too serious, one every 15 minutes or so....then every ten...by the time I went to bed at two am I was having very painful contractions every 7 minutes on the dot. Patrick and I went to bed convinced that the next day would see us in the hospital with a new baby.

Sleeping through these contractions proved to be a pursuit in futility, so the most sleep I got was during the four and six o'clock hours of the night when I managed to dose lightly between contractions, start dreaming only to be awakened by wrenching, muscle pulling, agony in my back. Seven am roles around and the contractions are now only five minutes apart and lasting approximately 50-60 seconds in length. We decide to go to the hospital. There are no problems checking in, as I had worried from my sister's experience. They showed us to a room straight away even before taking down my name and asking who my doctor was. Once this was accomplished and I was in a gown I was subjected to one of the most painful vaginal exams it has ever been my displeasure to experience. Apparently my cervix is naturally back pretty far...so far that the doctor has had to apply some serious pressure in order to reach it in the past. The nurse attending me was short and chubby with fingers to match. Her thicker than usual appendages along with their short length and what I swear was a pointy fingernail (as well as fighting contractions every few minutes) made this very unpleasant. Once she was done she asked me if I had been dilated at all during my previous visit. I reported that the doctor said it was at a fingertip and the nurse then told me I had widened to 2 centimeters. So I was making progress, but nothing near what I thought I must surely be after that sleepless night. She then hooked me up to a fetal monitor and blood pressure cuff and said that they would chart my progress for the next hour or so and see what was happening. She then left me strapped to this machine on a very uncomfortable bed.

My nights forays had already proven to me how painful contractions were if forced to lie in a bed and I was very disappointed that I wouldn't be able to walk. I consoled myself with the idea that they were just setting up my rhythm or whatever and would probably let me loose later. So I lay there suffering, when the mid-wife from my clinic came in (differnent one than I have mentioned previously). She informed me that Dr. Reaves (my OB) was off today and she would be the one attending me should I deliver. I was fine with this and after reporting that I seemed to be doing well, but that my contractions were still pretty far apart, she wanted me to drink some ice water and walk around uninhibited for the next thirty minutes to see if that would help speed things along. I was uplugged (still with the itchy and now sliding belts around my waist), given a thing of water and left to my own devices. I walked around and around the enormous room in nothing but two hospital gowns and my husbands coat (it was freezing in there) peeing frequently until they returned. To my dismay I noticed the contractions coming less regularly and not lasting as long and braced myself to be sent home.
Once I was hooked back up I was again left for twenty minutes of monitoring. Sadly the machine seemed to be noting the decrease in frequency and intensity as well, but I was still subjected to yet another exam by short fingers who declared that, while I did appear to be in early labor; my contractions coming at regular 5-6 minute intervals (quoting from a sheet she later gave me) and lasting 50-60 seconds, and even though she could see that they were painful, they weren't accomplishing anything and she and the midwife felt I would be more comfortable spending the day at home. However they were concerned that I didn't get any sleep the night before and gave me to Ambien pills that would "cut out the annoying contractions that weren't accomplishing anything, but let the more painful ones that actually were doing their job to stay(annoying? as opposed to the painful ones? they were ALL painful!) so that I could get some rest without halting my progress completely." She thought that after laboring/sleeping all day I'd probably be back in this evening around dark. She told me to only come in when the contractions were three minutes apart and so painful that I had to stop walking, lean on something and pant during them. I responded with; "yeah, 'cuz I haven't been doing that already." Anyway, so I took the pills she offered and listened as she explained the discharge procedure and gave me a paper indicating signs of "active labor" (which aside from the dilating part were EXACTLY the signs I was experiencing). So I got dressed and Patrick and I left the room.
Down the hall at the business managers office, we had to wait for her to finish with another lady so we could sign out. As we leaned against the wall I had another contractions and suddenly lights were flashing and doors all along the hallway were closing. The hospital was experiencing a lock down drill in which apparently each nurse at the station is responsible for observing specific exits while another checks patients or something. Seeing we were going to be there a few more minutes, Patrick suggested we sit in the waiting area. Just then the drugs kicked in.
I turned to acknowledge this idea only to have the whole room turn with me, somehow my equilibrium was completely screwed up and I could no longer stand up straight, nor walk in a straight line on my own. Patrick helped me to a chair and I found I could not hold myself up. I asked him to sit next to me and collapased on his shoulder. I had been holding the papers we needed signed and apparently dropped them when I became distracted by the pink and golden stuffed monkeys that appeared to be dancing around the room (seriously). Some time later (?) Patrick helped me up and was taking me to the elevator to leave (he had gotten the signature). I was having extreme trouble putting one foot in front of the other and wondered if this was what it was like to be drunk. The nurses at the station asked if I would like a wheelchair and I responded with "no, I can do it!' to which Patrick was forced to go along with. He held me upright in the elevator and assured me that the children getting on as we left did not have flaming pinwheels in their hands. I rested against a counter feet from the door as another contraction took me. Only this time, instead of grimly staring at my watch waiting for it to pass and mentally judging how long I had until the next one I was more like; "la, la, la.. ow! ow! ow! why am I hurting?! ow!...la, la" The nurse at the check-in counter asked if I would like a wheel chair and I again assured her that "no! I can do it!" Patrick helped me slowly cross the parking lot where I had way too much trouble navigating curbs and settled me in the passenger seat. I had the fleating thought that the seat was more comfortable then the hospital bed before I was day dreaming again....I don't know about what....I surfaced 2-3 times on the trip home to look at the harsh colors and sharp buildings passing by my window in bemusement. I wondered where we were and what we were doing. At home Patrick tried to get me up to bed, but I insisted that I wanted to eat first. I slowly navigated my way through some cereal (who knew spooning up food and getting it in your mouth could be so hard?) before Patrick half supported, half carried me up the stairs, which seemed much longer than they actually were. In the bedroom I lay down sideways on the bed and seemed to think Patricks idea of righting myself so that I rested on the pillows was stupid as this was obviously the most comfortable position to be in. He asked if he could get me anything just as I realized I was going to throw up....he hurriedly grabbed a bucket and got it to me just in time to catch my just finished breakfast. I then lay down and knew nothing until sometime later when I woke up to use the bathroom.
When I woke up it seemed I was tied inside a large hoop by many small threads that someone was pulling on intermittently. Me and various parts of my body (who all had separate personalities) were very cunning in our escape and made it to the bathroom undetected. After relieving myself (with a near-fall as I overbalanced trying to lower myself to the seat) I reassured the scabs on my leg that we could sneak them out as well...I then made my way back downstairs where I opened all the blinds and attempted to research Ambien on the internet. This didn't turn out so well and I went back to bed. Later when I woke up for real Patrick informed me that he had found that hallucinating was one of the possible side effects of this drug and that I should discontinue use should this occurr.

Since then I've had a few sporadic contractions, nothing near as painful as the ones I had all night and this morning and have all but resigned myself to checking in tomorrow night to be induced. As I was leaving and the nurse was telling me that I'd probably be back tonight she said it looked like it would be a long labor. :( One other thing. After the pain of these "mild" contractions of ealy labor I have decided to screw this "natural" childbirth crap and get drugs. It was taking over a minute after contractions had stopped to get my back to stop spasming and I could only imagine that absolute hell it must be to only have a thirty second respite between 90 second contractions and then be expected to keep your head enough to push during that....so epidural here I come!